Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Family Matters... Or Does It? Bachelorette Season 7 Finale

This week on The Bachelorette, it's finally over. Hallelujah! The show goes out with one last drama-filled bang as Ashley asks for her family's opinion but then starts crying when she gets it. Apparently, Ashley doesn't know her sister well enough to expect brutal honesty and snap decisions. Strange becasue she's normally such a good judge of character...

As usual, the show goes to great lengths to attempt to convince us that the result hasn't been a forgone conclusion for weeks... and fails. One heart is broken into pieces but forget about that because let's celebrate the engagement quickly before they break up.

Read my full recap here.

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Men Tell Some: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 10

This week on The Bachelorette, a clip show. And new interviews with people we don't care about. And burning questions raised and unanswered. And the one guy who we'd like to hear from doesn't show up. But who cares about all that because there's new footage of Bachelor Pad 2! YES!!!!!1! Read my full recap here.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This Episode Will Be the Basis for the Couple’s Inevitable Breakup: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 9

This week on The Bachelorette, Ashley travels to Fiji to escape her Truman Show existence. It was only a movie, Ashley. A record third guy withdraws from the competition after passing on the fantasy suite and Ryan stops by to make sure Ashley hasn't changed her mind because he happened to be in the area. Of Fiji. Ben declines to apply sunscreen all over Ashley's body for some reason but then ultimately does so. JP gets the semi-private island date. Both Ben and JP make use of the Fantasy Suite. Fantastic!

Read my full recap here.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'm Going Home: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 8

This week on The Bachelorette, Ashley goes to Cumming to work in Constantine's restaurant and help him make a salad. She goes to Chadds Ford to meet Ames's family who all figure out that Ames is going home before he does. She goes to Sonoma to see if Ben really owns a winery or if he was full of crap. She goes to Village of Roslyn to go roller skating with JP but only after the DJ calls ladies choice.

Read my full recap here.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Let’s Cram One Extra Date Into 20 Fewer Minutes: Bachelorette 7 Episode 7

This week on The Bachelorette, who cares about Ashley because Emily's back! But not until we get to sit through all the Ashley crap. Constantine goes on a romantic lantern painting date. Ben goes on a romantic scooter-riding date that unexpectedly and surreptitiously turns into an overnight date. The group date involves posing for wedding pictures which is as lame as it sounds. Ryan goes on a romantic walking around the city date where he attempts to educate Ashley on the merits of tankless water heaters. Not joking. I never joke about tankless water heaters. Ashley cries twice and sends two people home.

After Chris lies about the success of the show, Emily glides onto the set like a breath of fresh air. He also lies about the fact that our questions will be answered. They are not. But hey, more Emily and less Ashley is always a good thing.


Read my full recap here.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hong Kong Phooey: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6

This week on The Bachelorette, Ashley travels to Hong Kong to finally get closure with Bentley. Unsurprisingly, Bentley has not changed since he left the show. Thankfully, we are spared any new Bentley diary interviews. Ashley goes on another one-on-one date that involves walking as well her first, second one-on-one date. The group date involves a pointless boat race. The cocktail party takes an ugly turn when Ashley attempts something close to honesty. One contestant who realizes the best he can hope for is fourth place takes this opportunity to walk. Read my full recap here.


Statistics:
This Episode / To Date
Fairy Tale References: 1 / 3
Spinning Hugs: .5 / .5
Helicopters: 0 / 0

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Everybody Chiang Mai Tonight: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 5

This week the show heads to Chiang Mai, Thailand which we are repeatedly told is very romantic.

The first one-on-one date is with Ben the winemaker and involves walking around a market, painting umbrellas, and sitting near the sacred ruins of a temple.

Next is the group date which involves the guys boxing each other after a few short hours of training in the national sport of Muay Thai fighting. Ashley is the only one surprised at how violent boxing can be. One of the contestants is driven off in an ambulance after taking three heavily gloved punches to a heavily padded head. The story is that he had a mild concussion.

The final date is a two-on-one date with William, Ben the lawyer, and elephants. William attempts to save himself by throwing Ben under the bus and he is partially successful.


Read my full recap here.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Thai Me Down: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 4

This week, Ashley attempts to pick up the pieces of her love life by fleeing the country and heading to Thailand.

The first one-on-one date was with Constantine who was incredibly boring. To make matters worse, their date was rained out and Plan B was to walk around and find someone old to talk to. Ashley was still bummed about Bastard Bentley.

The group date involved bringing gifts and performing maintenance for a local orphanage. It was nice to see such a terrible show do something positive.

The second one-on-one date was with Ames. They went kayaking through beautiful caves. He was eloquent and worldly and must be hiding a terrible secret to go on this show. They had a good date but he didn't kiss her.

Read my full recap here.


Statistics:
This Episode / To Date
Fairy Tale References: 0 / 2
Spinning Hugs: 0 / 0
Helicopters: 0 / 0

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Heartache Tonight: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 3

This week's episode was painful to watch. It starts with a one-on-one date with Super Ben, the purpose of which is to further showcase Ashley's dancing skills under the guise of a flash dance mob a la the now-famous Black Eyed Peas' appearance on Oprah. The show doesn't fully commit to the premise and it looks more like a high school version of the BEP event. Also, for some reason they thought it might be a neat idea for Ben to be totally surprised by the event he was supposed to participate in. I'm sure he never asked himself why he's learning this stupid stupid dance.

Next was the Worst Group Date, EVER! This was a roast where the guys are supposed to make fun of Ashley. Not such a good idea to roast someone who is pretty insecure about not being Emily. The date ends in tears with the low point surprising NOT the guys that made fun of Ashley's small boobs.

After the group date, after repeatedly saying horrible things to the diary interviewer, Bentley decides to leave the show. When he breaks the news to Ashley, she acts like she's known him for more than the three interactions they shared. She cries and cries and cries. She admits that she had already decided that she was the one despite the warnings from his ex-wife via last season's villain, Michelle.

Ashley is forced to go on a low-key one-on-one date with Cupcake who does his best to stay positive. They hang out at the Bachelorette pad and try not to think about Bastard Bentley.

Read my full recap here.


Statistics:
This Episode / To Date
Fairy Tale References: 0 / 2
Spinning Hugs: 0 / 0
Helicopters: 0 / 0

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And the Adventure Continues... in Vegas: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 2

This week's episode sees the start of actual dates. There are 17 guys and only two get one-on-one dates. NPOWW gets a mock wedding and a romantic dinner on the Bellagio lagoon while Chef Mickey gets to chill with Ashley in the Mandalay Bay lobby before a romantic dinner in her suite followed by a walk on Mandalay Bay Beach with Colby Callait performing live.

The group date is artificially restricted to twelve guys which leaves Environ-mental Ryan, Cupcake and Super Ben without dates this week. Worse, 6 of the twelve guys on the group date are sent back to the house without one-on-one time after they a do a crappier job of choreography than the other six. It's no wonder I couldn't remember half of the contestants once we got to the rose ceremony. Ashley sent 3 home but could have easily sent 3 more. The next rose ceremony promises to be just as boring.

Read my full recap here.


Statistics:
This Episode / To Date
Fairy Tale References: 1 / 2
Spinning Hugs: 0 / 0
Helicopters: 0 / 0

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Drunk Tim

The Folks at Wetpaint posted the show's "get to know Tim" package and although its less than 2 minutes long, I figured I'd recap it for you because, well, that's what I do.

Tim's video starts in Little Italy. Tim is standing on the corner wearing a trench coat and he informs us that his name is Tim, that he is 35 and that we are in the best city in the world... New York before giving a familiar goofy smile that is apparently not reserved for nights that he will not remember.

Tim proceeds to attempt to give us a history lesson about Mulberry Street before he walks into a deli to meet his Fila tracksuit adorned godfather, Baby John, who acts surprised when Tim walks in despite the fact that the camera crew was set up 5 feet away from him to capture Tim's entrance and their greeting.

We are apparently meant to believe that the purpose of this meeting is for Tim to get his Godfather's advice on if he should go on The Bachelorette. The Godfather confirms that Tim should "go for it" saying that Tim might fall in love on this one. At the very least, maybe Tim will now realize that his Godfather doesn't give him very good advice. Baby John concludes, "You are a good man... stay that way and I'm sure you'll come out a winner." Giving the Godfather the benefit of the doubt, Tim must have stopped being a good man very shortly after leaving the deli.

The final thirty seconds of the package consist of a diary interview with Tim accompanied by video that bounces back and forth from Tim in a diary room wearing an almost completely unbuttoned button-down shirt and Tim standing on a beach somewhere wearing a partially leather jacket. Does anyone else see the irony in this juxtaposition?

Tim remarks that at 35, most of his friends have now gotten engaged, married or started families which has opened his eyes to the possibility of starting the next chapter of his life. I think his eyes should have been opened to the possibility after his first friend got engaged, married or started a family. Or maybe he's slow. Maybe, his eyes are finally open to the possibility that alcohol consumption may be detrimental to his sex life.

Tim concludes, "In a perfect world I walk outta here with a fiancée and true love." Sadly he couldn't even walk out of there without true love... he had to be carried.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

And So It Begins: Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 1

Monday's premier provided me with some really great material to ridicule. My recap can be found here.

My favorite moments are when Super Ben describes how romantic he his, when Dead Parent Ben opens his mouth, when JP goes wine-shopping, when Gail's son phones home, when William reveals the one thing he's better at then selling cellular phones, when JP reveals his work nickname, when Ashley doesn't use the words "cute" or "sweet," and the rose ceremony.


Statistics:
This Episode / To Date
Fairy Tale References: 1 / 1
Spinning Hugs: 0 / 1
Helicopters: 0 / 1